


Replay

by twahtohnedskee



Series: DPS Tumblr fics [1]
Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, implied Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-05
Updated: 2018-07-05
Packaged: 2019-06-05 20:40:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15178895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/twahtohnedskee/pseuds/twahtohnedskee
Summary: Todd should have stopped the video but he couldn’t bear to take this moment away from the beautiful boy on screen. He could barely see Neil’s face but Todd would have recognized that smile at the end of the world.





	Replay

Todd hit play.

The video came to life in a mass of blurry pixels. The camera quality wasn’t that great. He could hear the murmured words of the rest of the Dead Poets, the static caused by their clothes rustling against the seats mixing in with the buzz of the audience. He caught sight of Charlie’s grinning face before the camera was turned to the stage. More rustling.

A hush fell over the crowd.

The first scene played out on stage, the camera zoomed in and focused. Todd watched the first act numbly. He didn’t remember what the other people on stage looked like anymore. He was barely paying attention. The first act was nothing but a step towards what he was waiting for. Todd was patient. He knew what was coming. He watched the girl who played Hermia and felt like the room had turned ice cold. It was nothing but a wisp of a memory, but he remembered a voice, rich, and alive, telling him about this girl. He didn’t understand how even that could suck the air out of his lungs. And then, finally, Act 2.

Tears were streaming down Todd’s face even before Neil said any of his lines. The sight of him, full of energy and joy, bounding up and down the stage like a sprite was too much. It felt like a slap. Like a joke. Todd should have stopped the video but he couldn’t bear to take this moment away from the beautiful boy on screen. He could barely see Neil’s face but Todd would have recognized that smile at the end of the world.

He watched like he was in some kind of trance. He tracked every move Neil made, except when he closed his eyes to let his friend’s voice wash over him. It wasn’t enough. It was Neil’s voice, but it was the one he used for acting. It wasn’t how he’d sounded talking to Todd. But Todd was a drowning man and he was desperate for anything he could get. His heart felt like it was no longer in his chest. Maybe he’d left it in the snow, when he’d screamed Neil’s name into that vast whiteness. He had screamed and screamed. The snow had been beautiful. But only because it was empty and cold. Everything was empty and cold without Neil. The tears still hadn’t stopped. 

Todd watched the entire video, refusing to pause it even to recover from the shock of seeing Neil full of life when his brain had taken up a mantra of ‘deaddeaddead’. Two irreconcilable things fighting for dominance, with the wasteland of his heart as a battlefield. Neil was alive. Neil was dead. Todd continued to watch.

The last scene, with Neil alone on stage, was almost too much for Todd to bear. He wished with everything in his being that the nightmare of Neil’s death could be mended. He would give anything for it to have been a dream, the worst dream, but one he could wake up from. But there was no waking up from reality. He watched Neil walk backwards into the darkness, watched the curtain close on him, and couldn’t bring himself to say goodbye.

Now the next part was the one Todd loved and hated the most. The curtains opened to reveal the cast, standing side by side, hands clasped together as they bowed. The sound on the recording was deafening. He could hear the cheers of his friends as they showed their support. The camera shook as they stood up. Again, all Todd could look at was Neil. He cried because of how happy Neil looked, how surprised, how proud. He cried for everything that Neil would no longer be able to feel again. As the cast pushed Neil forward for a second bow, Todd laughed through tears that still hadn’t ceased at the sound of his friends’ barbaric yawp. He laughed at how he had done it too. He watched the spark of recognition and joy light up Neil’s face as he soaked in the applause of all those people. He watched the unpracticed, hesitant second bow Neil did, watched him give one last nod to the audience, then the curtain closed one final time. Somehow, it felt like losing him all over again.  
It was only when the video ended that he finally let out the sobs that had been building in his chest. They ripped through him, tearing him apart from the inside. He couldn’t do anything to stop the torrent of tears. He gasped for air, taking shallow breaths every chance he got but it was never enough. He wanted to scream. He wanted to run. He wanted to do anything that would take away the jagged pieces of memory inside him, remnants of something that was once beautiful. Now they did nothing but hurt. He was shaking from grief. He was too young to be feeling this much pain and Neil was too young to die.

It took him a long time to steady his breathing, and much longer to stop the tears. He was grateful to Charlie for taking the video and giving it to him, eyes solemn. It wasn’t all Todd had left– there were Neil’s books, pictures together, a borrowed scarf that can never be returned, and stupid post-it notes he’d left on Todd’s desk– but this was his only memento from the last time both he and Neil were alive. The last time his world made sense, before everything came crashing down around him. Todd missed him so much. He felt jaded and broken and lost. He wondered if it would ever stop hurting.

Finally, he calmed himself down. He wiped the tears away and forced himself to drink a glass of water. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

He hit play.


End file.
